“I’m not fine,” I whisper into my partner a single night after putting my child to bed.
It’s the first time I’m admitting my real feelings to anyone, including myself. I have been doing a very excellent job at faking. I’m fine. I feel as though I have to. Everyone is struggling at this time, so what I’m going through isn’t anything out of the norm. Saying”we’re hanging in there, considering” is my new go-to answer to how I am doing. I state it so often it’s 2nd nature. And most of the moment, it’s correct. We’re doing the best we could in what we have. But the more I tell myself I am okay, the more I realize I am not. And I finally know it’s okay not to be fine, particularly today.
Since March, life continues to be fucking hard. I was coming out of a months-long depressive fog. So obviously, that produces everything about a billion times harder and makes my worry level skyrocket. My worry gain sent my stress through the roof too. Those first couple weeks were still manageable, but April came, and it began to take its toll.
Like everyone else, my life has been thrown into a tailspin — that which was upside down and that I couldn’t put it correctly. It felt like life has been just punching down me if I might quickly get remotely near the top. Most of the time, it still feels like this. And whenever I believe I’m finally reaching a good place, something occurs to remind me I am maybe not.
I haven’t had a lot of breaks since everything closed down. When this started, I was one mom. My seven-year-old can be an only child and demands a lot of my attention. My job also requires a lot of my attention. Therefore it has a continuing battle between both. I spend half of the working time fetching fruit bites, pouring juice, and yelling to avoid climbing on the furniture.
As his primary parent, he also understands that I have to work naturally. But he is a little kid; he wants someone to play with him. I have been faking. I am okay to maintain some sense of calm because of him personally, but it’s so hard. Around I want to play him and spend more hours; I just can’t. I am attempting to divide my attention, but I always feel like I’m never giving anything the complete attention it deserves. Afterward, mommy remorse kicks in, making me think that I am a shit parent and employee.
Pretending I am okay to get during the afternoon isn’t something new. More specifically, mothers, women are conditioned to hold the burden of the world on the shoulders. And we do it with the tiny complaint because it’s precisely what we do, even though we’re cracking. This season is constant concerning its requirement on mothers. We need to maintain the home, keep the children living, and still be successful at our jobs. There’s never a minute to catch your breath again. Therefore forget with no moment to yourself. It’s so fucking hard to be the one everyone else depends on for everything — who do we rely on? Who’s there to support me I require it? Nobody. Because I’m not permitted to be anything aside from available each of enough full time, moms are now drowning, and there’s no one to save us.
My own life does not feel as though my own lately. That is the reason pretending I’m okay became my go-to. I find myself slipping in an infinite loop of doing everything I am likely to complete without the bandwidth to accomplish it. In addition to that, I can never only close my mind off and curl up. And I have lost my power to tune out the notions whirling like a rabbit within my head. I barely get time to myself, and when I do, I am constantly thinking of all of the things that I should be doing.
I am not okay because trying to take time to learn or see something feels indulgent. I am aware that self-care is crucial for maintaining my mental wellbeing, but it’s hard. At this time, I am attempting to reconcile my desire to break and my requirement to be more productive. I am finally burning out and shutting down, and I am helpless to stop it from happening.
I always feel as if I am somewhere within, treading drowning and water. Pretending I’m fine is getting increasingly more challenging. My partner is amazingly supportive — we now haven’t been overly long, but she’s got stepped up for me in a big way. I know that I wouldn’t be in a position to do such a thing without her from my side. I’ve tried and failed. However, I feel as I am unashamedly so much by myself.
Everything is yanking me in a million different directions, and I fear that the day that I finally merely snap completely. I’m searching for ways to provide myself a little breathing space, which is problematic. For so long, I’ve been the only natural person I can depend on, and it’s difficult to break out of the mindset. Some nights I am so exhausted that I get to sleep instantly. Then there are instances where I can not get my brain to shut the fuckup. I understand I need a break, but I don’t believe I could honestly take you.
One thing I keep seeing can be a reminder to have grace together right now. We’re alive through something no one has experienced. Life is currently stuck in arrested development, and all of us are just trying to take it one day at the same time. If all of it is just like as much, I try to have elegance with myself. Individuals will know if I admit it is all too much. I am permitted to be overwhelmed and scared. There’s nothing to be embarrassed by accepting it.
I’m not okay, and the odds are you are not either. And do you know everything? That’s fine.